Menagerie Of The Misinformed

Ridin' dirty

2008-01-06T12:35:00.000-05:00

If you are unfamiliar with term Ghost Riding, here's a sample of its genius (offical video):

Not to be outdone, may I present, your grandparents:

...And why limit yourself to cars?:

Well, I hope you're all learnified up on the subject. Now, can I get a lift from one of you people? Apparently they frown on ghost riding your whip into a Starbucks!

Well, it makes more sense then lizards, right?

2007-12-30T23:15:00.001-05:00

"Hey, I just switched car insurance companies."

"Oh yeah, who'd you go with?"

"You know the one with a cowboy robot that shoot lasers out of its chest? I got that one."

"Makes sense."

Someone should have warned me

2007-12-28T22:07:00.000-05:00

I think if you "generally consume 3 or more alcohol drinks every day" acetaminophen might not be your biggest problem. Just a thought. Oh and, yes, I took these pills. No, it wasn't before September.

You know I'd never hurt you baby!

2007-12-28T22:01:00.000-05:00

Trying to locate a particular email today at the office and came across this in my search:

I don’t quite know what’s more disturbing; searching for “baby” and coming up with "abortion", or "lunch"?

Too late for Halloween?

2007-12-28T21:46:00.000-05:00

This was supposed to go up on Halloween, but do to sheer laziness it didn't. I'm really procratinating with this blog...let me tell you a thing about procrastination....ah I'll tell you later.

Good evening ladies, it is with deepest pride and greatest pleasure that I welcome you tonight.
And now I invite you to relax and pull up a bra
As Halloween proudly presents - your costume!

Be my guest!
Be my guest!

A tight dress to bear your chest
Squeeze them tight and you just might
Be ahead of all the rest

Sexy angel
Feathered wings
Makes me think
Wicked things

You’re dressed like you’re from heaven
But you’re on your beer eleven

Hottie cop
Looks her best
Please put me
Under arrest
This evening might end in jail
But it’s you I’d like to nail

Pretty princess
In her gown
I’d like to see her
Upside-down
I heard you say that I’m a dog
But won’t you kiss this handsome frog

Naughty nurse
It’s not a first
But of the thought
I’m not adverse
You got my temperature a rising
Oh this physical is quite surprising

For a beer maiden
I’ve been waiting
These kinds of Germans
Can keep invading
For you see, it’s not just me
Her jugs of beer, bring mounds of glee

Bras of leather
What a pleasure
Although they hide
A secret treasure
Fish net stockings and thigh high boots
No, I hardly notice your brown roots

Oh what a grand holiday indeed!

I digress

This song has ended
Don’t be offended
A simple message
No harm intended

There’s always more
Ways to dress
Like a whore
In Sunday’s best
So ladies….

Be my guest!
Be my guest!
Be my guest!

Let's all go to the pool

2007-12-03T20:24:00.000-05:00

Fat Kid Successfully Avoids Ridicule By Swimming With Shirt On

Girls's Costume Warehouse

2007-11-06T14:42:00.000-05:00

Time to make the donuts..crunch

2007-11-01T21:05:00.000-05:00

Hey, you got any Chocolate Cake Crustaceans left?

Fuck yeah! Hook it up.

Wee this is violent!

2007-11-01T20:00:00.000-05:00

I own a Wii. I bought this game. Don’t judge me yet.

Never will you find me, poster board in hand, protesting against violent video games. The people that do this should also be required to protest every violent movie and book release. Furthermore, they should be required to protest ACTUAL violence, like wars and genocides.

Oh well, there’s only so much a soccer-mom can do!

That being said; don’t buy this game.

Yes it’s violent, but graphically (pun intended) it’s not next-gen. It’s blocky, dark and if inebriated, difficult to play.

The kicker is the motions. It makes you go through the killing motions!

Want to smash a guys head in with a sledge hammer?

Take that controller and swing away!

Want to stab someone, in the neck, with syringe?

Jerk that controller in a stabbing motion!

Want to suffocate….ah you get the point.

There are clear lines between virtual and physical. This blurs them a bit:

Pushing a button to make a guys head pop off = one thing

Actually going through the sawing motion to get it to come off = something completely different

Breakfast. Not at Tiffany's

2007-10-28T11:00:00.000-05:00

I have yet to expose my friends on his blog without their permission and will continue to do so. For this reason may I distract your attention away from Jesus and direct you to Satan.

Wow, never thought I’d say that.

Anyhow, I must point out that this is not the biblical, listen to me know but fear me later, Satan. But, the big, gay, South Park, Saddam Hussein is my boyfriend, super sweet sixteen party-having, Satan.

Normally, for my heterosexual friend, the impact of this outfit would have been purely comical. In this case; however, this turned out to be one of the most tragically comic moments of his life. For you see, this fabulous, 4am, breakfast experience was to be found at Nookies…in Boys Town.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. These thousand words would all be spoken with a lisp.

I just can food-fight that feeling anymore

2007-10-24T19:51:00.000-04:00

It’s at this point I began thinking about my own lunch meat physique. It’s not so much cold cuts but it isn’t the steak I want it to be. The timing of this couldn’t be worse, due to the inventible holiday binge fest that is about to occur…ah, if only to purge.

But it is in our nature, right? We must pack on the pounds in order to survive the cold weather seasons. Regardless of that weight being eaten, worn in the form of clothing, or grown in the form of a hair sweater. Winter clothes are expensive (I will not be seen dead without my mink), growing you own fur coat takes time (and not so much mink-esque), so that leaves us with, option delicious = cramming everything we can into our cram-hole.

Not that cram-hole, what the hell is wrong with you?

Shouldn’t we all be excused from the guilt we might feel come January 1st due to our nature?

So, don’t blame yourself if a child tells you what they want for Christmas because you wore your red coat, on your third trip, to the mall.

Don’t blame yourself when you bend over to pick up a cookie piece and come up with a case of hard gas because you ate half the bag.

And don’t blame yourself because, after all, it’s not your fault.

We wouldn’t have to deal with all this shitty cold weather if Al Gore didn’t make that “not convenient planet” movie. We could have started skipping winter altogether! Who died and made him king planetologist?

It came from the deep

2007-10-22T20:22:00.000-04:00

I was supposed to go to U of I Saturday for the Illini vs. Wolverines game.

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I was unable to make it. On the plus side, avoided potential liver damage. On the Negative, I ate this for dinner:

After one evening and several trips to the porcelain perch, I was back to normal.

Red Lobster 1 vs. James 0

That's a nice sofa

2007-10-18T20:08:00.000-04:00

Fall is here and the weather is getting typically erratic. Nipple sweat days and, “fuck dog, hurry up and take a piss, I think my taint froze!” nights. These are the tell tale signs that comfort food season has arrived. Whether it be your deep fried Twinkies, deep fried Snickers or deep fried poor life decision, you know what makes the yummy in your (soon to be a source of devastating emotional shame) tummy. Turtlenecks, mock turtlenecks, sweater vests (kinda gay), cardigans, cashmere, cotton and wool sweaters all invented for their Predator like gut camouflaging abilities. Not to mention the sofa. Do you honestly think they were invented because it gets cold outside? No! Why else would we have down jackets and indoor central heating!

What matters to us all

2007-10-17T23:59:00.000-04:00

Poll: Bullshit Is Most Important Issue For 2008 Voters

Common sense for those without it

2007-10-17T20:55:00.000-04:00

This magical package arrived at my office. Me thinks it might be straight from the mothership itself! L. Ron Hubbard how did you know that I work in a place of moral decay? I was just thinking about torching the place until this promotional kit of sanity arrive at my doorstep!

Entitling the booklet, The Way To Happiness: A Common Sense Guide to Better Living, gives the recipient the peace of mind required in order to comprehend its thought nuggets.

Gems like:

“Don’t let anyone who has been drinking to drive you in a car or fly you in a plane.” – What about a flying car, huh? You don’t mention that. Aren’t you a science fiction writer too? For shame Ron!

“Discourage people from taking drugs. When they are doing so, encourage them to seek help in getting off of them.” – Yes because it is always a good idea to spark up a conversation about sobriety with someone cranked on crystal meth.

“An “illegal act” is not disobedience to some casual order like “go to bed.” – Really? Because my Dad sure beat me like it was.

“Stolen goods greatly reduce in value: they have to be hidden, they are always a threat to liberty itself.” – I disagree entirely. The Playboy I stole from my older brother has been paying dividends since 92’ and I don’t feel like a terrorist. Mostly just sleepy afterwards.

Now I didn’t want to indoctrinate myself with the wonders of wisdom so pardon me while I skip around. The chapter on “Do not Murder” was a little elusive. I’m not fucking Columbo. What are you trying to tell me Ron? Maybe it should have been placed after the chapter entitled “Be Competent.” But then again, if you did that, maybe you wouldn’t need anymore chapters. In fact, you could have made this a Hallmark card instead of a booklet; that had just those words placed in bold font smack dab in the middle….maybe a little space alien just underneath that, you know, for shits.

This blog wants revenge

2007-10-16T20:52:00.000-04:00

It’s been awhile. Look blog, I didn’t mean to leave you alone out here, distant and out of touch. I’ve just been really busy. I’ll try to make more time for you, I promise!

So what you been up to? You look good…been working out? Oh, you went to the She Wants Revenge concert. How was it? Monday Night? Who has a concert on a Monday night? All ages show huh? Cool. What’s that? An Asian guy with a Pac Man ghost tattooed on his inner forearm? Not at all…sounds reasonable. I was thinking of getting the Dig Dug guy tattooed on my anus.

Kim Kardashian's ass eats bunnies, I seen it!

2007-07-29T22:43:00.000-04:00

Crush: But what flavor?

2007-07-28T22:23:00.000-04:00

I don’t think I’ve had one of these, though, they sound great.

Who wouldn’t want to obsess over someone that they may or may no be compatible with? By “compatibility” I refer to connecting parts: man-woman, man-man, woman-woman, woman-man-woman (my fav).

At what point does a crush become stalking? Well, obviously I’m hiding in these bushes because I have a giant crush on her, officer.

Was John Lennon the victim of the largest type of crush possible? Maybe Mark David Chapman would have been better for John the Yoko, but then again, who wouldn’t have been.

Can a crush lead to a sustainable relationship? If it does, would you want to know? Honey, before we started dating I used to crank it to the thought of you in all the time. Well mostly, just your feet.

A crush sounds like it might not be a healthy thing. After all, they named a sugar saturated, caffeinated beverage after the term. I can see the similarities though: They start of sweet, and intense. Giving you a rush, that only, in time, will make you crash, feeling drained.

Sign me up!

Looking ahead to the horizontal future

2007-07-28T22:22:00.001-04:00

If people keep gaining weight at the current rate, by 2015, 75 percent of U.S. adults will be overweight and 41 percent obese. Currently, 80 percent of black women aged 40 or over are overweight and 50 percent are obese.

What was: “You go girl!”

What will be: “You let yourself go girl!”

So, I guess no one listened to that Kanye West work out tape?

Sportsmanship

2007-07-13T22:18:00.000-04:00

Yes! It’s on Wikapedia folks. Flip Cup. I’ll be enjoying this all weekend long. To bad I can’t get Barkley to play. He says it’s all about Beer Pong.

Me: So what’s the deal man why don’t you want to play?

Barkley: There’s no skill involved.

Me: Bullshit, you just like play with balls!

Barkley: You know that joke would hurt a lot less if you didn’t have mine removed.

Me: Oh, damn. I’m sorry man.

Barkley: It’s cool, I’ll just shit on you head while you sleep.

Me: I deserve this.

For my love

2007-07-12T21:32:00.000-04:00

I’ve had it with you
This relationship
You’ve left me again
Alone, feeling like shit

I’d be ignorant to think
That you could be mine
You have been with others
Only a matter of time

At the surface it’s obvious
Your caramel color
They’ll always be glances
Distance from one another

We might not have a future
But I treasure our past
The good times were plenty
Despite the contrast

The warmth you provided me
How I long your embrace
The touch of your body
I can not replace

That twang in your kiss
Lips warmed from the south
All but a memory
That resides in my mouth

I’ve moved on
It’s over
I’m moving ahead
Only thoughts of you
Will occupy my bed

Now it’s the weekend
Time to get frisky
To hell with it all
Pour me some whiskey

Optimus-Stereotypus

2007-07-11T22:47:00.000-04:00

At the risk of being an ass, to bring attention to racial stereotypes; I would like to address a recent trip to the cinema. Spoiler: Jazz doesn’t make it. Transformers, why must you feed into this cookie cutter Hollywood plot line? For all of you who don’t know, Jazz would be the black-guy-character-car-robot thing. Once again the black guy doesn’t make it to the end. How could one race be so perpetually screwed, both fictionally and nonfictionally (this might not be a word)? Why didn’t they just have him get repo-ed when he transformed into car form?

Furthermore, why aren’t there any Mexican voiced robots? After all, the whole premise is, they’re here already and in disguise. They can be anywhere! They could do subtle things, like, have a transforming lawnmower that shoots babies. Sounds about right, don’t you think Pat Buchanan?

Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Transformers, but mixing my beloved nostalgia with subtle, racial stereotypes just doesn’t seem right.

At least there weren’t any Polish robots, who transformed….into robots.

I feel a slight draft in here

2007-07-09T22:12:00.000-04:00

Saturday night I spent the evening dining at The Cheesecake Factory with a friend. It was a pleasant evening so we decided to eat outside on the patio. Lo and behold, who could it be, but none other then the Sunjia that could, Joakim Noah.

We are sat next to him and his beautiful blonde date. She is clothed in a form fitting, Benny the Bull, red, cocktail dress. All done up, arm candy to a tee. Juxtaposed to the lanky Noah. Baggy white tee-shirt, basketball shants, and black Nike sandals. Oops, almost forgot to mention the stylish white socks. His scarecrow fro, jutting upward atop his slender frame; as if it was a beacon to bring attention to his duchebaggery. Here I am world, pay attention to me! If only he were to show the same attention to his date. Most of his dinner (chicken fingers, cheese burger, fries, and Oreo cookie) was spent on the phone talking to, presumably, teammates, laughing away. This laugh needs to be heard in person to truly appreciate the extent of its brilliance. Think, clown rape.

I understand having money in your youth might be a bit difficult. However, wouldn’t you spend it on some decent clothes? You are going out to dinner, and you are on the cusp of fame. People are going to take your picture. Do you really want to start your career off looking like you might be asking me for money? Furthermore, you’re on a date. She dressed up for you, return the favor. I know you’re hot shit now, but this whole NBA thing might not work out, act like a Gentleman.

“The short and very simple definition of a gentleman or a lady is: someone who always attempts to make the people around him or her feel as comfortable as possible.” – Blast from the Past (Yep, just quoted a Brandon Frazier movie)

Look, I’m sure she’ll be making you feel really comfortable later, just do all of us the favor of ditching the psych-ward-chic look and pick up some clothes that may or may not be bathed in ball sweat. Even your teammates might appreciate that one!

Medicine Man

2007-07-02T20:00:00.000-04:00

Before I left for Las Vegas recently, I visited the doctor. I wanted to make sure my organs were in tip top shape for the internal pummeling they were about to experience.

My glands were swollen and I was tired, really no other symptoms (at least not of the crotchel variety).

Step test = Negative
Mono test = Negative
Blank stare from doctor = Check

Doctor: Uh, I don’t know what you have, must be viral. So, just get some rest and that should take care of it.

Me: That’s what I’ve been doing for that last two weeks. Isn’t there something you can give me? I’m leaving for Las Vegas in 6 days.

Doctor: Well Z-pack might work; I can write you a prescription for that. Do you want me to do that?

Me: Nah, the blank stare and guess-a-diagnosis is working great for me. YES, I’d like a prescription.

Take meds, felt better, Las Vegas, abuse body, come home, surprisingly feeling physically well/morally ashamed, life goes on, get bill, $700, fuck me!

After making a plethora of phone calls and dealing with someone who actually leaves the message, “My office hours are 8:30am to 4 ish” on their company voice mail; I might not have to pay the full amount. Sweet!

“Walk it off” apparently doesn’t apply to the medical community, although this sure felt like the equivalent. My only hope is that I’ll be able to “walk off” the inevitable ass-raping I’ll be receiving shortly.

“Hey doc, while your back there playing coal miner, with the bill, ya mind throwing in a colonoscopy?”

Ruh-Row!

2007-06-30T14:20:00.001-04:00

A bill that would require most dogs and cats in California to be spayed or neutered, if passed, would be the most sweeping statewide pet-sterilization law in the country. (Still waiting on that celebrity-sterilization bill congress!) The bill would require pet owners to sterilize their dogs and cats by the time they are 4 months old, or face a $500 fine.

Pros:

Fewer homeless animals – However, same amount of begging

Fewer animals euthanized – However, animals will still have the “in your face humans” attitude, due to their legal right to euthanasia.

Cons:

Government infringing upon what you do with you pets balls - No longer limited to Bob Barker.

"I had to do what I could to help make it possible for every dog and cat to have a good home. We desperately need it passed. The overpopulation is really tragic, and it’s not just in California, it’s all over the country."
- Bob “I’ll cut em’ off myself” Barker

This ain't no Easter Egg

2007-06-30T14:16:00.000-04:00

Right now, there are no laws or rules’ governing the use of sperm after a man has died. That’s even less rules then the TunderDome! Sperm has been taken from the deceased by the request of wives, fiancées and, in some cases, parents or girlfriends; usually without any explicit written consent. I wonder if we could get any from these cave men-sicles we’ve dug up in the Antarctic. Ladies who wants to Bam-Bam’s surrogate mother? With advancing technology, egg-freezing or egg procurement from a cadaver can’t be far behind. This makes for an interesting conversation.

Little Timmy: Mommy where’s daddy?

Mom: Well, Timmy…Daddy was a brave hero and died serving his country 15 years ago.

Little Timmy: Oh, ok. But I’m only 10 years old.

Mom: Well, I had his splooge was frozen and I decided to have his future-baby without his knowledge.

Little Timmy: Wow

Mom: I know, and I’m not really you’re mommy either!

Little Timmy: What?

Mom: Yeah, I took some eggs from his sister, who also died serving her country 15 years ago, and carried you as your surrogate mother.

Little Timmy: So my real mommy and daddy were brother and sister and died while they were in the military?

Mom: No silly, they served at Mc Donalds! They died in a grease fire that was started by them banging on the fry-a-lator.

I'm going to be late for work, I got a touch of "The Rage"

2007-06-28T20:14:00.000-04:00

Wow look at that! Never would have thought Barry Bonds was his own sport.

So let me get this straight...

Wrestler injects steroids, kills family = some news coverage.

Baseball player Injects steroids, hits home runs = a whole sport section dedicated to you.

So if I inject steroids and hit a homerun, into the stands, that happens to kill a family member, I could be on Larry King, like tomorrow?

Lindsay Lohan to extend stay in rehab, Paris to wave as she passes by.

2007-06-26T21:47:00.000-04:00

Paris is out, not Lance Bass out, but out nonetheless! And not a moment to soon. Why you may ask; because her stay there cost taxpayers $1,109.78 a day, more than 10 times the cost of housing inmates in the general population. It would have been less expensive to have her making night vision porn in one of the rooms at the Hilton Hotel. Then, at least, the boys from Deadliest Catch could have taken a break to do some inland crab fishing.

But, she is a new woman now. She’s been reformed. Take this gem:

“It is not who I am, nor do I want to be that person for the young girls who looked up to me,”

Now it’s clear. She’s not a bad person; she’s just been type cast. Maybe Daniel Radcliffe can help her:

“I know it’s naive to think that if I do one thing that’s different, people will suddenly think, ‘Oh, he’s not just Harry Potter, he’s an actor,’ ” he said. “It’s going to take a hell of a long time. But I will work as hard as I possibly can.”

So with a little less drinking, drugs, vanity, sluttery, and a pinch of magic, we might have the Princess Diana we always wanted out of her!

Nah..

Why couldn’t we get Christopher Vaughn to drive the SUV?

Not very cool, eh?

2007-06-26T21:08:00.000-04:00

Pro (like a pro video gamer) wrestler Chris Benoit, his wife and their 7-year-old son were found dead in an apparent murder-suicide. Or as they wrestling community calls it, a No-Holds-Barred Family Grudge Match!

Benoit was born in Montreal. A place filled with strip joints, hot dog vendors, and a woman on the bus seated behind me that couldn’t pronounce Schwarzenegger. He was a former world heavyweight champion, Intercontinental champion and held several tag-team titles over his career (as well as many participation awards…THEY COUNT!). He was known by several names including “The Canadian Crippler.” Not to be confused with the “Nigerian Nippler,” a common mistake.

“He was like a family member to me, and everyone in my family is taking it real hard,” said Bret Hart, a former WWF wrestler.

Bret…if he was your family member, you would be taking it even harder, like the body bag kind.

I think this has officially become “Kill your family” month.

I am the Decider!

2007-06-21T21:00:00.001-04:00

President Bush vetoed another stem cell bill which would have eased restraints on federally funded embryonic stem cell research. Who needs scientific advancements? Oh….everyone you say? Whoops! Then I guess this was a big Fuck You to everyone who has a genetic disease that could benefit from this research.

What prevents Bush from approving funding from this research; faith and its view on life, or rather the beginning of life? I really think he missed that whole separation of church and state part. Was that not highlighted in the Cliff Notes Cheney gave him? He might have just given him the Mad Libs version of the Constitution, you know, fill in his own blanks.

If you have your leader making decisions based on faith and not on science, you enter a slippery slope. They might make decisions that could infringe on you privacy, involve you in conflicts you might not want to be in, and incite worldwide criticism of your country. I know it’s farfetched, but I’m just saying, it could happen.

There are other people on this planet that follow leaders who make their decisions based on their interpretation of their faith. They tend to be the combustible kind.

So the next time you decide to explain why Bush was right in doing this, to a friend with cancer, Parkinson’s disease, spinal cord injuries, muscle damage, etc. just simplify your position into two words, Fuck You!

You see? No debate needed.

Rollin on dubbs

2007-06-21T20:56:00.000-04:00

Then:

In June of 2005 a fleet of 45 Ferraris Received a Papal Blessing from Pope Benedict XVI. The sports cars were parked in the square ahead of Pope Benedict XVI's weekly blessing. The event was put together by an international association of enthusiasts. At the end of the blessing, Benedict made a special mention of the group, saying, "We see them, and soon we'll hear them."

This was much to the chagrin of the Vatican PR agents who were going to receive a sizable donation for, “Zoom, Zoom!”

Now:

The Vatican on Tuesday issued a set of “Ten Commandments” for drivers. The “Drivers’ Ten Commandments,” as listed by the document “Guidelines for the Pastoral Care of the Road,” are:

1. You shall not kill. Unless, it is road-kill. Animals don’t go to heaven anyway, so, CHALLENGE!

2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm. Immortals are okay to harm. Highlander be damned.

3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events. Incivility, depravity and recklessness will help you deal with anticipated events.

4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents. If they were victims of premeditation, then they probably deserved it.

5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin. NASCAR fans are now excommunicated. The Pope-a lika da Indy car!

6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so. Note: “convince” not “prevent.” If your powers of persuasion are lacking, it’s not your fault when they parallel park into a tree.

7. Support the families of accident victims. Because money and “I’m sorry’s” replace lost loved ones. It’s like getting a new dog. Oh, and if you run that dog over, bingo, new dog!

8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness. Now endorsing: Vigilante Justice. Find these guilty parties and show them the liberating experience of revenge, er, forgiveness.

9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party. ie. Women, babies, baby-women.

10. Feel responsible toward others. But only “feel” that way, because deep down, you’re really not. It’s all up to the G-man after all.

Barkley or is it?

2007-06-18T21:58:00.000-04:00

This is my dog.

It’s amazing what a shave can do for one’s appearance.

Just ask my balls.

Game Off

2007-06-18T21:57:00.000-04:00

I was at GameWorks this weekend, briefly. For those of you who do not know what this place is, it is an adult (not the fun kind) arcade. I highly recommend it if you are into fist pumping to Nickleback and hi-fiving your friends a lot. Hi five Jerry!

They got that on paperback?

2007-06-13T20:25:00.000-04:00

Newsweek - June 18, 2007 issue - It may not be fair to call what's happening in the atheist community a backlash, since atheists have always been and continue to be one of the smallest, most derided groups in the country. In a recent NEWSWEEK Poll, only 3 percent of respondents called themselves atheists and only 30 percent said they'd ever vote for an atheist. - Lisa Miller

I seem to remember something written about the separation of church and state somewhere. I guess that must have been on a fortune cookie I had.

If the government is supposed to be run by someone that considers themselves religious then how about a Muslim, Buddhist, a Jew? Well I think we're ok with the last one, at least, running the entertainment industry. Why don't these other 70% state that they are not comfortable voting for someone who doesn't follow the Bible? It would be easier to say it that way. They certainly won't vote for a Muslim, they’ll try to kill us right? And a Buddhist? Yeah right hippy! Because it is this 70% that is morally just, follows all of the good book's teachings to the letter, and shows infinite compassion. They should be running our county you heathen. You don't know what's good for you, so let them make your decisions, it's in your best interest.

They are very well read on this material. Just not on reports that state things like: This is what really happened leading up to 9/11, this is what's really happening in our climate, living organisms evolve, etc. Not important. Because this book contains all you will ever need to know. Granted, it was written a few thousand years ago, and it's best substantiating argument is, "Because it says so," but really what more do you need? Do you really need to update your knowledge base to take into account a changing world? No.

Look, if you start reading other things you might start questioning what you already "know," and we can't have that. One of the good book's avid readers understood this and helped by ridding us of all that other confusing knowledge while simultaneously providing heat to the surrounding people. But, you know those Germans can kind of get carried away sometimes so we had to take him out. It's okay though, the good book said we could, it's on page 246, I think.

So sit back relax and let the adults take care of this one. This book’s for you! I honestly don't know why it’s taking the Gideons forever to get that annoying John Hancock receipt replaced!

I wish I could quit you (not really)

2007-06-12T20:59:00.001-04:00

With all the talk of celebrities and rehab it brings me to think of my own additions; most prominently that of caffeine, genus: coffee. I find it necessary to freebase this black magic every morning, lest be useless for the proceeding hours. What is it that makes coffee so much better then the rest?

Tea, nah! I can’t have tea in the morning, that’s not very American of me. Although, I do enjoy the immature laugh that I get every time Mr. Lipton informs me of his 48 count of “T-bags.” While an admirable number, I know I shall never reach it. Unless, of course, I lower my standards in selecting the fairer sex. (Assuming I had some to begin with)

Soda, in the morning, really? I know that this is somewhat prevalent in the southern, “Brush my good tooth,” states but I’m trying to keep addictions separate from one another. Combining the amount of sugar in soda, with the volume of coffee that I drink in the morning, could catapult me into a diabetic comma. The coffee will remain black and my teeth intact. I have grown fond of them and their location in my face.

Then what is it? Is it the aroma, the taste, the feeling of the radiant heat in the palm of your hand? Maybe it’s all of them. Much like other drugs; it’s a combination of things that make it so addicting. With Meth you get the good looks. With Alcohol you get supreme dancing skills. With cocaine you get the ability to speak coherently, all night long, at supersonic speeds. They all have their added bonuses aside from their primary effects. It could be then, in the case of coffee, my desire to have regular bowl movements. After all, like most men, it is that place where some of my best work is done! (Yes, I ended this with a poop joke)

Stressed like the rest

2007-06-12T20:50:00.000-04:00

Stress, depression may hike memory issues. Resulting brain changes associated with Alzheimer’s disease, expert says.

People who are often stressed out or depressed are far more likely to develop memory problems than those with sunnier dispositions, U.S. researchers said on Monday in a finding that sheds light on early predictors of Alzheimer’s disease.

They said those who most often are anxious or depressed were 40 times more likely to develop mild cognitive impairment, a form of memory loss that is often a transitional stage between normal aging and dementia.

“Not only are these individuals losing cognition, but they are showing many of the changes in the brain that are associated with Alzheimer’s disease,” said Robert Wilson of Rush University Medical Center in Chicago. – Reuters

Awesome news! Now, not only do you have to cope with stress but add the fact that it now causes your brain to shit the bed. Forget that stress elevates blood pressure, a precursor to a heart attack, that’s not the scary part. It’s that you might not be cognizant enough to notice that you’re having a grabber. There you are, attempting to relieve some stress, mid “stranger,” thinking all is well and bam, dead in the shower; one eyed wonder weasel in hand. Then the wife comes in, sees this, has an anxiety attack, and now she’s on her way to picking her own mental forget-me-nots.

Ignorance is no longer bliss, it preventative medicine.

Redemption...or Rehab...or Whatever

2007-06-11T20:33:00.000-04:00

The reality TV star and relentless publicity-seeker spoke with Barbara Walters by phone Sunday, a day after releasing a statement saying she hoped the media would focus on “more important things” than her 45-day jail sentence, according to ABC News’ Web site.

“I used to act dumb. ... That act is no longer cute,” ABC quoted Hilton as saying.

Hilton has been saying that she is changed by her jailhouse experience, and she repeated that theme with Walters: “Now, I would like to make a difference. ... God has given me this new chance.” - The Associated Press

When was dumb cute?

Dumb:

Adjective

Lacking intelligence or good judgment; stupid; dull-witted: Drunk driving, House of Wax, etc.

Lacking the power of speech: Mainly after spending an evening with Lindsey.

Lacking some usual property, characteristic: Morals, rational thought, etc.

Cute:

Adjective

Attractive, esp. in a dainty way; pleasingly pretty: “Hey Nicole, do you think these crabs are cute?”

Affectedly or mincingly pretty or clever; precious: “Tinkerbell! Did you eat all mommy’s cocaine again? You’re so cute, I can’t stay mad at you.”

The End....Thank God

2007-06-11T20:29:00.000-04:00

Well, it’s over folks. No more sitting around, week after week, asking the loved ones sitting next to you, “Why the fuck do we watch this show?”

Most people though that Seinfeld was the show about nothing. To them, may I present the Sopranos; A show that gives mental blue balls week in and out, year after year. At no point does one even hesitate to go to the bathroom during the show. Because the answer to the question, “What did I miss?” has always been the same, NOTHING. Nothing fucking happened….again.

“I gotta go to the bathroom man.”

“You want me to pause it for you?

“Nah, I gotta take a dump. I’m hoping it’ll take me until the credits roll.”

No longer will “kids” be defiled in such an inappropriate manner. It is the “Sopranos” from this day forward. I have to drop the “Sopranos” off at the pool!

After the screen went black they should have just showed a middle finder and then an ad for some Johnny Cakes. At least that would have made more sense.

How well do we do, what we do, when doing others?

2007-02-20T23:11:00.000-05:00

The stereotype is that men are responsible for the outcome of a sexual encounter. Either the woman has been pleased or the man has failed. Thus the chances of repeating said encounter, upon failure, plummet. This is why men have, throughout history, strived for wealth. One reason: to acquire women. Had the man succeeded, and done so with extraordinary proficiency, his prowess would not go unnoticed. This would peak the interest of the fairer sex and the man’s objective accomplished. If a man can gain the good graces of women without wealth, the strive for riches becomes that much less important. For the man without this ability, monetary prosperity becomes the prerequisite of his future sexual encounters. For women, much like dolphins, are attracted to shiny things.

The stereotype for women…is that men are responsible for the outcome of a sexual encounter. A woman can not, inherently, lack sexual expertise; therefore it must be the man, correct? With the hegemonic nature of men, to become a successful woman, in the struggle for equality, she will have to forgo the time required to develop said proficiency. Nor will she be willing to settle for a man that does not have the same aspirations. On the other hand, if a woman is to be proficient, she must practice. With all of this practice it can become exhausting and much of these women’s time is spent at bars and night clubs recovering from the stresses of their hard work. But alas, there will be men there with their monetary compensation, of beverages, to bridge this economic gap between the proficient and inexperienced women.

So what can we postulate from this? That perhaps sexual gratification is relative to economic status. Those without financial wealth must find other ways and means to achieve their objectives. Those with financial wealth are absolved of their inadequacies through proliferation.

This could explain why the CEO has got his 2.5 and Jose the janitor is working on number 7. Jose’s got skills!

It’s ok to be single on a day with a jingle

2007-02-13T21:54:00.001-05:00

On this day of love
A shot from cupid above
My heart it did miss
While I hunched over mid piss
From the restroom I stumble
Words with women I fumble
But a glimpse of smile I see
Is this expression for me?
Exchanging pleasantries with drinks
Some nods, mostly winks
Conveying a message unsaid
However, clearly is read
Now we travel together
In the cold Chicago weather
Though the chill shall not last
What she clutches stands full mast

The beast that can not be slayed

2007-02-13T21:53:00.000-05:00

Do we need this stressor? With countless, daily, opportunities to disappoint you; must you require another reason to reevaluate our incompetence and inability to appease the Cerberus that is your “Inner Romantic?” Sure we can get it drunk every once in a while and slip past but that only serves to strengthen the beast’s resolve upon recuperation.

We are ill equipped for this battle (some more then others) and Cerberus shows no weakness. Sure it says it made hints all year and we just don’t pay attention, but who can pick up the fact that; you liked the Louis Vitton purse that “Izze” had in that episode, you know the one before Isaiah Washington got all “T.R. Knight’s a fag” which is to homophobic that it’s got to be a sign that he’s what’s at the end of the rainbow and I wasn’t even in the room to see the damn purse so how the hell am I supposed to know Cheryl!

But I digress….

Cerberus….while I use this metaphor I do not pose it as an insult, simply a representation of the insurmountable obstacle that we feel we must overcome to get to your heart. After all, that is all that matters to us. That is all were trying to accomplish this Valentines Day. For you to find that special place in your heart will you’ll allow us to stay.

PS by “heart” I meant vagina

It’s [insert made up holiday name] day!

2007-02-13T21:52:00.001-05:00

How about commercialism day? A day when people can get together and by stuff to show how little that they care buy all doing it simultaneously on the same day, wait, check it, we already have that Mexican kid’s birthday for that.

Valentines Day is an excuse to spend money in pursuit of returned affection which can quickly become an exercise in futility. For the males of the species we must play Sigmund Freud/Amerigo Vespucci on a quest to find that near miss gift that results in the subtle disappointment that can linger, if only long enough, until the next years gift usurps its throne. After all, much like the Highlander, with truly shitty, shitty, gifts…there can be only one.