Menagerie Of The Misinformed

Ridin' dirty

2008-01-06T12:35:00.000-05:00

If you are unfamiliar with term Ghost Riding, here's a sample of its genius (offical video):

Not to be outdone, may I present, your grandparents:

...And why limit yourself to cars?:

Well, I hope you're all learnified up on the subject. Now, can I get a lift from one of you people? Apparently they frown on ghost riding your whip into a Starbucks!

Well, it makes more sense then lizards, right?

2007-12-30T23:15:00.001-05:00

"Hey, I just switched car insurance companies."

"Oh yeah, who'd you go with?"

"You know the one with a cowboy robot that shoot lasers out of its chest? I got that one."

"Makes sense."

Someone should have warned me

2007-12-28T22:07:00.000-05:00

I think if you "generally consume 3 or more alcohol drinks every day" acetaminophen might not be your biggest problem. Just a thought. Oh and, yes, I took these pills. No, it wasn't before September.

You know I'd never hurt you baby!

2007-12-28T22:01:00.000-05:00

Trying to locate a particular email today at the office and came across this in my search:

I don’t quite know what’s more disturbing; searching for “baby” and coming up with "abortion", or "lunch"?

Too late for Halloween?

2007-12-28T21:46:00.000-05:00

This was supposed to go up on Halloween, but do to sheer laziness it didn't. I'm really procratinating with this blog...let me tell you a thing about procrastination....ah I'll tell you later.

Good evening ladies, it is with deepest pride and greatest pleasure that I welcome you tonight.
And now I invite you to relax and pull up a bra
As Halloween proudly presents - your costume!

Be my guest!
Be my guest!

A tight dress to bear your chest
Squeeze them tight and you just might
Be ahead of all the rest

Sexy angel
Feathered wings
Makes me think
Wicked things

You’re dressed like you’re from heaven
But you’re on your beer eleven

Hottie cop
Looks her best
Please put me
Under arrest
This evening might end in jail
But it’s you I’d like to nail

Pretty princess
In her gown
I’d like to see her
Upside-down
I heard you say that I’m a dog
But won’t you kiss this handsome frog

Naughty nurse
It’s not a first
But of the thought
I’m not adverse
You got my temperature a rising
Oh this physical is quite surprising

For a beer maiden
I’ve been waiting
These kinds of Germans
Can keep invading
For you see, it’s not just me
Her jugs of beer, bring mounds of glee

Bras of leather
What a pleasure
Although they hide
A secret treasure
Fish net stockings and thigh high boots
No, I hardly notice your brown roots

Oh what a grand holiday indeed!

I digress

This song has ended
Don’t be offended
A simple message
No harm intended

There’s always more
Ways to dress
Like a whore
In Sunday’s best
So ladies….

Be my guest!
Be my guest!
Be my guest!

Let's all go to the pool

2007-12-03T20:24:00.000-05:00

Fat Kid Successfully Avoids Ridicule By Swimming With Shirt On

Girls's Costume Warehouse

2007-11-06T14:42:00.000-05:00

Time to make the donuts..crunch

2007-11-01T21:05:00.000-05:00

Hey, you got any Chocolate Cake Crustaceans left?

Fuck yeah! Hook it up.

Wee this is violent!

2007-11-01T20:00:00.000-05:00

I own a Wii. I bought this game. Don’t judge me yet.

Never will you find me, poster board in hand, protesting against violent video games. The people that do this should also be required to protest every violent movie and book release. Furthermore, they should be required to protest ACTUAL violence, like wars and genocides.

Oh well, there’s only so much a soccer-mom can do!

That being said; don’t buy this game.

Yes it’s violent, but graphically (pun intended) it’s not next-gen. It’s blocky, dark and if inebriated, difficult to play.

The kicker is the motions. It makes you go through the killing motions!

Want to smash a guys head in with a sledge hammer?

Take that controller and swing away!

Want to stab someone, in the neck, with syringe?

Jerk that controller in a stabbing motion!

Want to suffocate….ah you get the point.

There are clear lines between virtual and physical. This blurs them a bit:

Pushing a button to make a guys head pop off = one thing

Actually going through the sawing motion to get it to come off = something completely different

Breakfast. Not at Tiffany's

2007-10-28T11:00:00.000-05:00

I have yet to expose my friends on his blog without their permission and will continue to do so. For this reason may I distract your attention away from Jesus and direct you to Satan.

Wow, never thought I’d say that.

Anyhow, I must point out that this is not the biblical, listen to me know but fear me later, Satan. But, the big, gay, South Park, Saddam Hussein is my boyfriend, super sweet sixteen party-having, Satan.

Normally, for my heterosexual friend, the impact of this outfit would have been purely comical. In this case; however, this turned out to be one of the most tragically comic moments of his life. For you see, this fabulous, 4am, breakfast experience was to be found at Nookies…in Boys Town.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. These thousand words would all be spoken with a lisp.

I just can food-fight that feeling anymore

2007-10-24T19:51:00.000-04:00

It’s at this point I began thinking about my own lunch meat physique. It’s not so much cold cuts but it isn’t the steak I want it to be. The timing of this couldn’t be worse, due to the inventible holiday binge fest that is about to occur…ah, if only to purge.

But it is in our nature, right? We must pack on the pounds in order to survive the cold weather seasons. Regardless of that weight being eaten, worn in the form of clothing, or grown in the form of a hair sweater. Winter clothes are expensive (I will not be seen dead without my mink), growing you own fur coat takes time (and not so much mink-esque), so that leaves us with, option delicious = cramming everything we can into our cram-hole.

Not that cram-hole, what the hell is wrong with you?

Shouldn’t we all be excused from the guilt we might feel come January 1st due to our nature?

So, don’t blame yourself if a child tells you what they want for Christmas because you wore your red coat, on your third trip, to the mall.

Don’t blame yourself when you bend over to pick up a cookie piece and come up with a case of hard gas because you ate half the bag.

And don’t blame yourself because, after all, it’s not your fault.

We wouldn’t have to deal with all this shitty cold weather if Al Gore didn’t make that “not convenient planet” movie. We could have started skipping winter altogether! Who died and made him king planetologist?

It came from the deep

2007-10-22T20:22:00.000-04:00

I was supposed to go to U of I Saturday for the Illini vs. Wolverines game.

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I was unable to make it. On the plus side, avoided potential liver damage. On the Negative, I ate this for dinner:

After one evening and several trips to the porcelain perch, I was back to normal.

Red Lobster 1 vs. James 0

That's a nice sofa

2007-10-18T20:08:00.000-04:00

Fall is here and the weather is getting typically erratic. Nipple sweat days and, “fuck dog, hurry up and take a piss, I think my taint froze!” nights. These are the tell tale signs that comfort food season has arrived. Whether it be your deep fried Twinkies, deep fried Snickers or deep fried poor life decision, you know what makes the yummy in your (soon to be a source of devastating emotional shame) tummy. Turtlenecks, mock turtlenecks, sweater vests (kinda gay), cardigans, cashmere, cotton and wool sweaters all invented for their Predator like gut camouflaging abilities. Not to mention the sofa. Do you honestly think they were invented because it gets cold outside? No! Why else would we have down jackets and indoor central heating!

What matters to us all

2007-10-17T23:59:00.000-04:00

Poll: Bullshit Is Most Important Issue For 2008 Voters

Common sense for those without it

2007-10-17T20:55:00.000-04:00

This magical package arrived at my office. Me thinks it might be straight from the mothership itself! L. Ron Hubbard how did you know that I work in a place of moral decay? I was just thinking about torching the place until this promotional kit of sanity arrive at my doorstep!

Entitling the booklet, The Way To Happiness: A Common Sense Guide to Better Living, gives the recipient the peace of mind required in order to comprehend its thought nuggets.

Gems like:

“Don’t let anyone who has been drinking to drive you in a car or fly you in a plane.” – What about a flying car, huh? You don’t mention that. Aren’t you a science fiction writer too? For shame Ron!

“Discourage people from taking drugs. When they are doing so, encourage them to seek help in getting off of them.” – Yes because it is always a good idea to spark up a conversation about sobriety with someone cranked on crystal meth.

“An “illegal act” is not disobedience to some casual order like “go to bed.” – Really? Because my Dad sure beat me like it was.

“Stolen goods greatly reduce in value: they have to be hidden, they are always a threat to liberty itself.” – I disagree entirely. The Playboy I stole from my older brother has been paying dividends since 92’ and I don’t feel like a terrorist. Mostly just sleepy afterwards.

Now I didn’t want to indoctrinate myself with the wonders of wisdom so pardon me while I skip around. The chapter on “Do not Murder” was a little elusive. I’m not fucking Columbo. What are you trying to tell me Ron? Maybe it should have been placed after the chapter entitled “Be Competent.” But then again, if you did that, maybe you wouldn’t need anymore chapters. In fact, you could have made this a Hallmark card instead of a booklet; that had just those words placed in bold font smack dab in the middle….maybe a little space alien just underneath that, you know, for shits.

This blog wants revenge

2007-10-16T20:52:00.000-04:00

It’s been awhile. Look blog, I didn’t mean to leave you alone out here, distant and out of touch. I’ve just been really busy. I’ll try to make more time for you, I promise!

So what you been up to? You look good…been working out? Oh, you went to the She Wants Revenge concert. How was it? Monday Night? Who has a concert on a Monday night? All ages show huh? Cool. What’s that? An Asian guy with a Pac Man ghost tattooed on his inner forearm? Not at all…sounds reasonable. I was thinking of getting the Dig Dug guy tattooed on my anus.

Kim Kardashian's ass eats bunnies, I seen it!

2007-07-29T22:43:00.000-04:00

Crush: But what flavor?

2007-07-28T22:23:00.000-04:00

I don’t think I’ve had one of these, though, they sound great.

Who wouldn’t want to obsess over someone that they may or may no be compatible with? By “compatibility” I refer to connecting parts: man-woman, man-man, woman-woman, woman-man-woman (my fav).

At what point does a crush become stalking? Well, obviously I’m hiding in these bushes because I have a giant crush on her, officer.

Was John Lennon the victim of the largest type of crush possible? Maybe Mark David Chapman would have been better for John the Yoko, but then again, who wouldn’t have been.

Can a crush lead to a sustainable relationship? If it does, would you want to know? Honey, before we started dating I used to crank it to the thought of you in all the time. Well mostly, just your feet.

A crush sounds like it might not be a healthy thing. After all, they named a sugar saturated, caffeinated beverage after the term. I can see the similarities though: They start of sweet, and intense. Giving you a rush, that only, in time, will make you crash, feeling drained.

Sign me up!

Looking ahead to the horizontal future

2007-07-28T22:22:00.001-04:00

If people keep gaining weight at the current rate, by 2015, 75 percent of U.S. adults will be overweight and 41 percent obese. Currently, 80 percent of black women aged 40 or over are overweight and 50 percent are obese.

What was: “You go girl!”

What will be: “You let yourself go girl!”

So, I guess no one listened to that Kanye West work out tape?

Sportsmanship

2007-07-13T22:18:00.000-04:00

Yes! It’s on Wikapedia folks. Flip Cup. I’ll be enjoying this all weekend long. To bad I can’t get Barkley to play. He says it’s all about Beer Pong.

Me: So what’s the deal man why don’t you want to play?

Barkley: There’s no skill involved.

Me: Bullshit, you just like play with balls!

Barkley: You know that joke would hurt a lot less if you didn’t have mine removed.

Me: Oh, damn. I’m sorry man.

Barkley: It’s cool, I’ll just shit on you head while you sleep.

Me: I deserve this.

For my love

2007-07-12T21:32:00.000-04:00

I’ve had it with you
This relationship
You’ve left me again
Alone, feeling like shit

I’d be ignorant to think
That you could be mine
You have been with others
Only a matter of time

At the surface it’s obvious
Your caramel color
They’ll always be glances
Distance from one another

We might not have a future
But I treasure our past
The good times were plenty
Despite the contrast

The warmth you provided me
How I long your embrace
The touch of your body
I can not replace

That twang in your kiss
Lips warmed from the south
All but a memory
That resides in my mouth

I’ve moved on
It’s over
I’m moving ahead
Only thoughts of you
Will occupy my bed

Now it’s the weekend
Time to get frisky
To hell with it all
Pour me some whiskey

Optimus-Stereotypus

2007-07-11T22:47:00.000-04:00

At the risk of being an ass, to bring attention to racial stereotypes; I would like to address a recent trip to the cinema. Spoiler: Jazz doesn’t make it. Transformers, why must you feed into this cookie cutter Hollywood plot line? For all of you who don’t know, Jazz would be the black-guy-character-car-robot thing. Once again the black guy doesn’t make it to the end. How could one race be so perpetually screwed, both fictionally and nonfictionally (this might not be a word)? Why didn’t they just have him get repo-ed when he transformed into car form?

Furthermore, why aren’t there any Mexican voiced robots? After all, the whole premise is, they’re here already and in disguise. They can be anywhere! They could do subtle things, like, have a transforming lawnmower that shoots babies. Sounds about right, don’t you think Pat Buchanan?

Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Transformers, but mixing my beloved nostalgia with subtle, racial stereotypes just doesn’t seem right.

At least there weren’t any Polish robots, who transformed….into robots.

I feel a slight draft in here

2007-07-09T22:12:00.000-04:00

Saturday night I spent the evening dining at The Cheesecake Factory with a friend. It was a pleasant evening so we decided to eat outside on the patio. Lo and behold, who could it be, but none other then the Sunjia that could, Joakim Noah.

We are sat next to him and his beautiful blonde date. She is clothed in a form fitting, Benny the Bull, red, cocktail dress. All done up, arm candy to a tee. Juxtaposed to the lanky Noah. Baggy white tee-shirt, basketball shants, and black Nike sandals. Oops, almost forgot to mention the stylish white socks. His scarecrow fro, jutting upward atop his slender frame; as if it was a beacon to bring attention to his duchebaggery. Here I am world, pay attention to me! If only he were to show the same attention to his date. Most of his dinner (chicken fingers, cheese burger, fries, and Oreo cookie) was spent on the phone talking to, presumably, teammates, laughing away. This laugh needs to be heard in person to truly appreciate the extent of its brilliance. Think, clown rape.

I understand having money in your youth might be a bit difficult. However, wouldn’t you spend it on some decent clothes? You are going out to dinner, and you are on the cusp of fame. People are going to take your picture. Do you really want to start your career off looking like you might be asking me for money? Furthermore, you’re on a date. She dressed up for you, return the favor. I know you’re hot shit now, but this whole NBA thing might not work out, act like a Gentleman.

“The short and very simple definition of a gentleman or a lady is: someone who always attempts to make the people around him or her feel as comfortable as possible.” – Blast from the Past (Yep, just quoted a Brandon Frazier movie)

Look, I’m sure she’ll be making you feel really comfortable later, just do all of us the favor of ditching the psych-ward-chic look and pick up some clothes that may or may not be bathed in ball sweat. Even your teammates might appreciate that one!

Medicine Man

2007-07-02T20:00:00.000-04:00

Before I left for Las Vegas recently, I visited the doctor. I wanted to make sure my organs were in tip top shape for the internal pummeling they were about to experience.

My glands were swollen and I was tired, really no other symptoms (at least not of the crotchel variety).

Step test = Negative
Mono test = Negative
Blank stare from doctor = Check

Doctor: Uh, I don’t know what you have, must be viral. So, just get some rest and that should take care of it.

Me: That’s what I’ve been doing for that last two weeks. Isn’t there something you can give me? I’m leaving for Las Vegas in 6 days.

Doctor: Well Z-pack might work; I can write you a prescription for that. Do you want me to do that?

Me: Nah, the blank stare and guess-a-diagnosis is working great for me. YES, I’d like a prescription.

Take meds, felt better, Las Vegas, abuse body, come home, surprisingly feeling physically well/morally ashamed, life goes on, get bill, $700, fuck me!

After making a plethora of phone calls and dealing with someone who actually leaves the message, “My office hours are 8:30am to 4 ish” on their company voice mail; I might not have to pay the full amount. Sweet!

“Walk it off” apparently doesn’t apply to the medical community, although this sure felt like the equivalent. My only hope is that I’ll be able to “walk off” the inevitable ass-raping I’ll be receiving shortly.

“Hey doc, while your back there playing coal miner, with the bill, ya mind throwing in a colonoscopy?”

Ruh-Row!

2007-06-30T14:20:00.001-04:00

A bill that would require most dogs and cats in California to be spayed or neutered, if passed, would be the most sweeping statewide pet-sterilization law in the country. (Still waiting on that celebrity-sterilization bill congress!) The bill would require pet owners to sterilize their dogs and cats by the time they are 4 months old, or face a $500 fine.

Pros:

Fewer homeless animals – However, same amount of begging

Fewer animals euthanized – However, animals will still have the “in your face humans” attitude, due to their legal right to euthanasia.

Cons:

Government infringing upon what you do with you pets balls - No longer limited to Bob Barker.

"I had to do what I could to help make it possible for every dog and cat to have a good home. We desperately need it passed. The overpopulation is really tragic, and it’s not just in California, it’s all over the country."
- Bob “I’ll cut em’ off myself” Barker