Breakfast. Not at Tiffany's

I have yet to expose my friends on his blog without their permission and will continue to do so. For this reason may I distract your attention away from Jesus and direct you to Satan.

Wow, never thought I’d say that.

Anyhow, I must point out that this is not the biblical, listen to me know but fear me later, Satan. But, the big, gay, South Park, Saddam Hussein is my boyfriend, super sweet sixteen party-having, Satan.

Normally, for my heterosexual friend, the impact of this outfit would have been purely comical. In this case; however, this turned out to be one of the most tragically comic moments of his life. For you see, this fabulous, 4am, breakfast experience was to be found at Nookies…in Boys Town.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. These thousand words would all be spoken with a lisp.

I just can food-fight that feeling anymore

It’s at this point I began thinking about my own lunch meat physique. It’s not so much cold cuts but it isn’t the steak I want it to be. The timing of this couldn’t be worse, due to the inventible holiday binge fest that is about to occur…ah, if only to purge.

But it is in our nature, right? We must pack on the pounds in order to survive the cold weather seasons. Regardless of that weight being eaten, worn in the form of clothing, or grown in the form of a hair sweater. Winter clothes are expensive (I will not be seen dead without my mink), growing you own fur coat takes time (and not so much mink-esque), so that leaves us with, option delicious = cramming everything we can into our cram-hole.

Not that cram-hole, what the hell is wrong with you?

Shouldn’t we all be excused from the guilt we might feel come January 1st due to our nature?

So, don’t blame yourself if a child tells you what they want for Christmas because you wore your red coat, on your third trip, to the mall.

Don’t blame yourself when you bend over to pick up a cookie piece and come up with a case of hard gas because you ate half the bag.

And don’t blame yourself because, after all, it’s not your fault.

We wouldn’t have to deal with all this shitty cold weather if Al Gore didn’t make that “not convenient planet” movie. We could have started skipping winter altogether! Who died and made him king planetologist?

It came from the deep

I was supposed to go to U of I Saturday for the Illini vs. Wolverines game.

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I was unable to make it. On the plus side, avoided potential liver damage. On the Negative, I ate this for dinner:

After one evening and several trips to the porcelain perch, I was back to normal.

Red Lobster 1 vs. James 0

That's a nice sofa

Fall is here and the weather is getting typically erratic. Nipple sweat days and, “fuck dog, hurry up and take a piss, I think my taint froze!” nights. These are the tell tale signs that comfort food season has arrived. Whether it be your deep fried Twinkies, deep fried Snickers or deep fried poor life decision, you know what makes the yummy in your (soon to be a source of devastating emotional shame) tummy. Turtlenecks, mock turtlenecks, sweater vests (kinda gay), cardigans, cashmere, cotton and wool sweaters all invented for their Predator like gut camouflaging abilities. Not to mention the sofa. Do you honestly think they were invented because it gets cold outside? No! Why else would we have down jackets and indoor central heating!

What matters to us all

Poll: Bullshit Is Most Important Issue For 2008 Voters

Common sense for those without it

This magical package arrived at my office. Me thinks it might be straight from the mothership itself! L. Ron Hubbard how did you know that I work in a place of moral decay? I was just thinking about torching the place until this promotional kit of sanity arrive at my doorstep!

Entitling the booklet, The Way To Happiness: A Common Sense Guide to Better Living, gives the recipient the peace of mind required in order to comprehend its thought nuggets.

Gems like:

“Don’t let anyone who has been drinking to drive you in a car or fly you in a plane.” – What about a flying car, huh? You don’t mention that. Aren’t you a science fiction writer too? For shame Ron!

“Discourage people from taking drugs. When they are doing so, encourage them to seek help in getting off of them.” – Yes because it is always a good idea to spark up a conversation about sobriety with someone cranked on crystal meth.

“An “illegal act” is not disobedience to some casual order like “go to bed.” – Really? Because my Dad sure beat me like it was.

“Stolen goods greatly reduce in value: they have to be hidden, they are always a threat to liberty itself.” – I disagree entirely. The Playboy I stole from my older brother has been paying dividends since 92’ and I don’t feel like a terrorist. Mostly just sleepy afterwards.

Now I didn’t want to indoctrinate myself with the wonders of wisdom so pardon me while I skip around. The chapter on “Do not Murder” was a little elusive. I’m not fucking Columbo. What are you trying to tell me Ron? Maybe it should have been placed after the chapter entitled “Be Competent.” But then again, if you did that, maybe you wouldn’t need anymore chapters. In fact, you could have made this a Hallmark card instead of a booklet; that had just those words placed in bold font smack dab in the middle….maybe a little space alien just underneath that, you know, for shits.

This blog wants revenge

It’s been awhile. Look blog, I didn’t mean to leave you alone out here, distant and out of touch. I’ve just been really busy. I’ll try to make more time for you, I promise!

So what you been up to? You look good…been working out? Oh, you went to the She Wants Revenge concert. How was it? Monday Night? Who has a concert on a Monday night? All ages show huh? Cool. What’s that? An Asian guy with a Pac Man ghost tattooed on his inner forearm? Not at all…sounds reasonable. I was thinking of getting the Dig Dug guy tattooed on my anus.