Ruh-Row!

A bill that would require most dogs and cats in California to be spayed or neutered, if passed, would be the most sweeping statewide pet-sterilization law in the country. (Still waiting on that celebrity-sterilization bill congress!) The bill would require pet owners to sterilize their dogs and cats by the time they are 4 months old, or face a $500 fine.

Pros:

Fewer homeless animals – However, same amount of begging

Fewer animals euthanized – However, animals will still have the “in your face humans” attitude, due to their legal right to euthanasia.

Cons:

Government infringing upon what you do with you pets balls - No longer limited to Bob Barker.

"I had to do what I could to help make it possible for every dog and cat to have a good home. We desperately need it passed. The overpopulation is really tragic, and it’s not just in California, it’s all over the country."

- Bob “I’ll cut em’ off myself” Barker

This ain't no Easter Egg

Right now, there are no laws or rules’ governing the use of sperm after a man has died. That’s even less rules then the TunderDome! Sperm has been taken from the deceased by the request of wives, fiancées and, in some cases, parents or girlfriends; usually without any explicit written consent. I wonder if we could get any from these cave men-sicles we’ve dug up in the Antarctic. Ladies who wants to Bam-Bam’s surrogate mother? With advancing technology, egg-freezing or egg procurement from a cadaver can’t be far behind. This makes for an interesting conversation.

Little Timmy: Mommy where’s daddy?

Mom: Well, Timmy…Daddy was a brave hero and died serving his country 15 years ago.

Little Timmy: Oh, ok. But I’m only 10 years old.

Mom: Well, I had his splooge was frozen and I decided to have his future-baby without his knowledge.

Little Timmy: Wow

Mom: I know, and I’m not really you’re mommy either!

Little Timmy: What?

Mom: Yeah, I took some eggs from his sister, who also died serving her country 15 years ago, and carried you as your surrogate mother.

Little Timmy: So my real mommy and daddy were brother and sister and died while they were in the military?

Mom: No silly, they served at Mc Donalds! They died in a grease fire that was started by them banging on the fry-a-lator.

I'm going to be late for work, I got a touch of "The Rage"

Wow look at that! Never would have thought Barry Bonds was his own sport.

So let me get this straight...

Wrestler injects steroids, kills family = some news coverage.

Baseball player Injects steroids, hits home runs = a whole sport section dedicated to you.

So if I inject steroids and hit a homerun, into the stands, that happens to kill a family member, I could be on Larry King, like tomorrow?

Lindsay Lohan to extend stay in rehab, Paris to wave as she passes by.

Paris is out, not Lance Bass out, but out nonetheless! And not a moment to soon. Why you may ask; because her stay there cost taxpayers $1,109.78 a day, more than 10 times the cost of housing inmates in the general population. It would have been less expensive to have her making night vision porn in one of the rooms at the Hilton Hotel. Then, at least, the boys from Deadliest Catch could have taken a break to do some inland crab fishing.

But, she is a new woman now. She’s been reformed. Take this gem:

“It is not who I am, nor do I want to be that person for the young girls who looked up to me,”

Now it’s clear. She’s not a bad person; she’s just been type cast. Maybe Daniel Radcliffe can help her:

“I know it’s naive to think that if I do one thing that’s different, people will suddenly think, ‘Oh, he’s not just Harry Potter, he’s an actor,’ ” he said. “It’s going to take a hell of a long time. But I will work as hard as I possibly can.”

So with a little less drinking, drugs, vanity, sluttery, and a pinch of magic, we might have the Princess Diana we always wanted out of her!

Nah..

Why couldn’t we get Christopher Vaughn to drive the SUV?

Not very cool, eh?

Pro (like a pro video gamer) wrestler Chris Benoit, his wife and their 7-year-old son were found dead in an apparent murder-suicide. Or as they wrestling community calls it, a No-Holds-Barred Family Grudge Match!

Benoit was born in Montreal. A place filled with strip joints, hot dog vendors, and a woman on the bus seated behind me that couldn’t pronounce Schwarzenegger. He was a former world heavyweight champion, Intercontinental champion and held several tag-team titles over his career (as well as many participation awards…THEY COUNT!). He was known by several names including “The Canadian Crippler.” Not to be confused with the “Nigerian Nippler,” a common mistake.

“He was like a family member to me, and everyone in my family is taking it real hard,” said Bret Hart, a former WWF wrestler.

Bret…if he was your family member, you would be taking it even harder, like the body bag kind.

I think this has officially become “Kill your family” month.

I am the Decider!

President Bush vetoed another stem cell bill which would have eased restraints on federally funded embryonic stem cell research. Who needs scientific advancements? Oh….everyone you say? Whoops! Then I guess this was a big Fuck You to everyone who has a genetic disease that could benefit from this research.

What prevents Bush from approving funding from this research; faith and its view on life, or rather the beginning of life? I really think he missed that whole separation of church and state part. Was that not highlighted in the Cliff Notes Cheney gave him? He might have just given him the Mad Libs version of the Constitution, you know, fill in his own blanks.

If you have your leader making decisions based on faith and not on science, you enter a slippery slope. They might make decisions that could infringe on you privacy, involve you in conflicts you might not want to be in, and incite worldwide criticism of your country. I know it’s farfetched, but I’m just saying, it could happen.

There are other people on this planet that follow leaders who make their decisions based on their interpretation of their faith. They tend to be the combustible kind.

So the next time you decide to explain why Bush was right in doing this, to a friend with cancer, Parkinson’s disease, spinal cord injuries, muscle damage, etc. just simplify your position into two words, Fuck You!

You see? No debate needed.

Rollin on dubbs

Then:

In June of 2005 a fleet of 45 Ferraris Received a Papal Blessing from Pope Benedict XVI. The sports cars were parked in the square ahead of Pope Benedict XVI's weekly blessing. The event was put together by an international association of enthusiasts. At the end of the blessing, Benedict made a special mention of the group, saying, "We see them, and soon we'll hear them."

This was much to the chagrin of the Vatican PR agents who were going to receive a sizable donation for, “Zoom, Zoom!”

Now:

The Vatican on Tuesday issued a set of “Ten Commandments” for drivers. The “Drivers’ Ten Commandments,” as listed by the document “Guidelines for the Pastoral Care of the Road,” are:

1. You shall not kill. Unless, it is road-kill. Animals don’t go to heaven anyway, so, CHALLENGE!

2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm. Immortals are okay to harm. Highlander be damned.

3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events. Incivility, depravity and recklessness will help you deal with anticipated events.

4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents. If they were victims of premeditation, then they probably deserved it.

5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin. NASCAR fans are now excommunicated. The Pope-a lika da Indy car!

6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so. Note: “convince” not “prevent.” If your powers of persuasion are lacking, it’s not your fault when they parallel park into a tree.

7. Support the families of accident victims. Because money and “I’m sorry’s” replace lost loved ones. It’s like getting a new dog. Oh, and if you run that dog over, bingo, new dog!

8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness. Now endorsing: Vigilante Justice. Find these guilty parties and show them the liberating experience of revenge, er, forgiveness.

9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party. ie. Women, babies, baby-women.

10. Feel responsible toward others. But only “feel” that way, because deep down, you’re really not. It’s all up to the G-man after all.

Barkley or is it?

This is my dog.

It’s amazing what a shave can do for one’s appearance.

Just ask my balls.

Game Off

I was at GameWorks this weekend, briefly. For those of you who do not know what this place is, it is an adult (not the fun kind) arcade. I highly recommend it if you are into fist pumping to Nickleback and hi-fiving your friends a lot. Hi five Jerry!

They got that on paperback?

Newsweek - June 18, 2007 issue - It may not be fair to call what's happening in the atheist community a backlash, since atheists have always been and continue to be one of the smallest, most derided groups in the country. In a recent NEWSWEEK Poll, only 3 percent of respondents called themselves atheists and only 30 percent said they'd ever vote for an atheist. - Lisa Miller

I seem to remember something written about the separation of church and state somewhere. I guess that must have been on a fortune cookie I had.

If the government is supposed to be run by someone that considers themselves religious then how about a Muslim, Buddhist, a Jew? Well I think we're ok with the last one, at least, running the entertainment industry. Why don't these other 70% state that they are not comfortable voting for someone who doesn't follow the Bible? It would be easier to say it that way. They certainly won't vote for a Muslim, they’ll try to kill us right? And a Buddhist? Yeah right hippy! Because it is this 70% that is morally just, follows all of the good book's teachings to the letter, and shows infinite compassion. They should be running our county you heathen. You don't know what's good for you, so let them make your decisions, it's in your best interest.

They are very well read on this material. Just not on reports that state things like: This is what really happened leading up to 9/11, this is what's really happening in our climate, living organisms evolve, etc. Not important. Because this book contains all you will ever need to know. Granted, it was written a few thousand years ago, and it's best substantiating argument is, "Because it says so," but really what more do you need? Do you really need to update your knowledge base to take into account a changing world? No.

Look, if you start reading other things you might start questioning what you already "know," and we can't have that. One of the good book's avid readers understood this and helped by ridding us of all that other confusing knowledge while simultaneously providing heat to the surrounding people. But, you know those Germans can kind of get carried away sometimes so we had to take him out. It's okay though, the good book said we could, it's on page 246, I think.

So sit back relax and let the adults take care of this one. This book’s for you! I honestly don't know why it’s taking the Gideons forever to get that annoying John Hancock receipt replaced!

I wish I could quit you (not really)

With all the talk of celebrities and rehab it brings me to think of my own additions; most prominently that of caffeine, genus: coffee. I find it necessary to freebase this black magic every morning, lest be useless for the proceeding hours. What is it that makes coffee so much better then the rest?

Tea, nah! I can’t have tea in the morning, that’s not very American of me. Although, I do enjoy the immature laugh that I get every time Mr. Lipton informs me of his 48 count of “T-bags.” While an admirable number, I know I shall never reach it. Unless, of course, I lower my standards in selecting the fairer sex. (Assuming I had some to begin with)

Soda, in the morning, really? I know that this is somewhat prevalent in the southern, “Brush my good tooth,” states but I’m trying to keep addictions separate from one another. Combining the amount of sugar in soda, with the volume of coffee that I drink in the morning, could catapult me into a diabetic comma. The coffee will remain black and my teeth intact. I have grown fond of them and their location in my face.

Then what is it? Is it the aroma, the taste, the feeling of the radiant heat in the palm of your hand? Maybe it’s all of them. Much like other drugs; it’s a combination of things that make it so addicting. With Meth you get the good looks. With Alcohol you get supreme dancing skills. With cocaine you get the ability to speak coherently, all night long, at supersonic speeds. They all have their added bonuses aside from their primary effects. It could be then, in the case of coffee, my desire to have regular bowl movements. After all, like most men, it is that place where some of my best work is done! (Yes, I ended this with a poop joke)

Stressed like the rest

Stress, depression may hike memory issues. Resulting brain changes associated with Alzheimer’s disease, expert says.

People who are often stressed out or depressed are far more likely to develop memory problems than those with sunnier dispositions, U.S. researchers said on Monday in a finding that sheds light on early predictors of Alzheimer’s disease.

They said those who most often are anxious or depressed were 40 times more likely to develop mild cognitive impairment, a form of memory loss that is often a transitional stage between normal aging and dementia.

“Not only are these individuals losing cognition, but they are showing many of the changes in the brain that are associated with Alzheimer’s disease,” said Robert Wilson of Rush University Medical Center in Chicago. – Reuters

Awesome news! Now, not only do you have to cope with stress but add the fact that it now causes your brain to shit the bed. Forget that stress elevates blood pressure, a precursor to a heart attack, that’s not the scary part. It’s that you might not be cognizant enough to notice that you’re having a grabber. There you are, attempting to relieve some stress, mid “stranger,” thinking all is well and bam, dead in the shower; one eyed wonder weasel in hand. Then the wife comes in, sees this, has an anxiety attack, and now she’s on her way to picking her own mental forget-me-nots.

Ignorance is no longer bliss, it preventative medicine.

Redemption...or Rehab...or Whatever

The reality TV star and relentless publicity-seeker spoke with Barbara Walters by phone Sunday, a day after releasing a statement saying she hoped the media would focus on “more important things” than her 45-day jail sentence, according to ABC News’ Web site.

“I used to act dumb. ... That act is no longer cute,” ABC quoted Hilton as saying.

Hilton has been saying that she is changed by her jailhouse experience, and she repeated that theme with Walters: “Now, I would like to make a difference. ... God has given me this new chance.” - The Associated Press

When was dumb cute?

Dumb:

Adjective

• Lacking intelligence or good judgment; stupid; dull-witted: Drunk driving, House of Wax, etc.


• Lacking the power of speech: Mainly after spending an evening with Lindsey.


• Lacking some usual property, characteristic: Morals, rational thought, etc.

Cute:

Adjective

• Attractive, esp. in a dainty way; pleasingly pretty: “Hey Nicole, do you think these crabs are cute?”


• Affectedly or mincingly pretty or clever; precious: “Tinkerbell! Did you eat all mommy’s cocaine again? You’re so cute, I can’t stay mad at you.”

The End....Thank God

Well, it’s over folks. No more sitting around, week after week, asking the loved ones sitting next to you, “Why the fuck do we watch this show?”

Most people though that Seinfeld was the show about nothing. To them, may I present the Sopranos; A show that gives mental blue balls week in and out, year after year. At no point does one even hesitate to go to the bathroom during the show. Because the answer to the question, “What did I miss?” has always been the same, NOTHING. Nothing fucking happened….again.

“I gotta go to the bathroom man.”

“You want me to pause it for you?

“Nah, I gotta take a dump. I’m hoping it’ll take me until the credits roll.”

No longer will “kids” be defiled in such an inappropriate manner. It is the “Sopranos” from this day forward. I have to drop the “Sopranos” off at the pool!

After the screen went black they should have just showed a middle finder and then an ad for some Johnny Cakes. At least that would have made more sense.